The tabled have turned dramatically. I never thought I’d be in this position. But I never, ever thought you’d be in the your position, doing the things you’re doing. 

I love you more than I ever thought I could. After my last relationship I seriously considered closing my heart off for good, refusing to let someone else infect me again. And in the beginning I succeeded…somewhat. I knew I was fooling myself. Trying to convince myself I had no feelings for you, it sort of worked. But not really. Eventually it go to the point where I could no longer keep up the act and after putting you through a lot of shit you didn’t deserve I finally opened up to you. I let myself fall, and I fell fucking hard. For the past year now you’ve showed me so much. You took my hand and swept me up into your world and I’ve been lost ever since. But I’ve found a home here, one where I feel safe, and whole, and warm. I haven’t felt that in a long time and with you there’s something different. From the minute we started talking that night on BBM I knew you’d be different somehow. You’ve proved me right. I’ve never met anyone like you, and when I think I’m starting to get a feel for who you are you surprise me and turn everything on its head. You keep me on my toes and I like it. I like you. I like the way you make me feel. I love you, in fact.

I want to make you happy, I want to make you feel loved, whole, warm, safe and a bunch of other things that you can’t put words to. I want to inspire your photography, your stories, your drawings, whatever. I want to try for something permanent. I just….I really like having you by my side. You’ve come into my life and like a tornado sent everything spinning and now everything is mixed up and upside down. But it’s the most beautiful mess. I’m not ready to clean it up. I’ve found things in that mess I could’ve never found without you. Next week we’ll have seven months. And I’d really love to make that seven years one day. 

Do you know what it is to see one of the people you love most in this entire world laying on a bed, physically there…but only physically. Brain dead. Unable to respond. To feel. To hear. Do you know what the fuck that is? They’re gone but still right in front of you. It’s cruel. 

I love you mom, they’re saying your chances are zero to none. That you were without oxygen for too long. But they don’t know about that fighting spirit you got. I know. I miss you so fucking much. You gotta come back. Please.

What’s so wrong with me?

For once I’d like to feel like my emotions aren’t crazy. Like it’s okay for me to feel the way I do. Like I’m not wrong for feeling the way I feel.

I’ve got to do something I’ve realized for a while now, keep my emotions to myself.

Lol I really don’t think I have any redeeming qualities………

So I have to write a four-five page personal narrative about an aspect of my identity, any aspect of my identity. But yo, I don’t know who I am I don’t know what to write about. Here are my options at the moment.

• Write about how growing up in a Hispanic community but never knowing Spanish well enough sucked and how around Spanish people I was a gringa and around white people I was a spic.
• Write about how being gay was so bad omg no one accepts me who am I? Coming to grips with my sexuality! Society hates me!
• Write about how growing up in Washington Heights a ghetto neighborhood made me a tougher person and the usual OMG I GOT OUT OF DA HOOD story
• Write about how my parents being drug addicts made my life sucky blahblah pity me I’m such a stronger person and how it affected me, except that it didn’t.
• Write about how my over emotional ass can’t cope with change (or anything for that matter)
• Write about how I don’t want to write about this essay because all of these topics are so fucking generic and I don’t want my life to be generalized into a fucking genre of essay writing.

boo fucking hoo. :|