I haven’t felt overwhelmed by anxiety in like a week and that is progress. I’ve been going to the gym regularly for the past week as well, I’m really trying to keep this up. I like the way it feels. Also I’m trying to be on #teamwashboardabs by the summer you know? But really it’s contributing to my mental health as well which I really appreciate. I’ve just been keeping myself busy, and there’s nothing in my life that is causing me stress or strife.
I wouldn’t say I’m like…happy.
But fuck it I am content. And I’m doing well and after everything that’s been going on, I’m going to appreciate it to the fullest.
I have friends, friends that I’ve had for years and all. And they’re great. I love them. They’re awesome people. But my friends don’t deal with me on a day-to-day basis. That’s why they’re still my friends.
But like the girls that I’ve had relationships with…have dealt with me extensively. I get really involved in relationships. Attached is another way to put it. I like to talk my partner everyday and see them as much as possible. LOLSPACEWHATISTHAT
So I think…for the most part girls just get less able to stand my company the longer our relationship goes on…
Maybe that’s true for everyone? Probably not.
this is my low self esteem talking
Lost kid trying to find myself at the bottom of a weed bag. Or an empty bottle. Or…at the tail end of whatever drug experience I’m brave enough to get sucked into for the time being.
Guess what? This fucking guy. *points to self* this motherfucker right here. This asshole who exudes swagger and other things that are cool and whatnot? Whatever I’m rambling the point issssssss I got a fucking job at Dean & DeLuca. I am gainfully employed. This is really exciting for me. Now all I have to do is finish my application for NYU and some CUNYs and wait to hear back. I think things are really looking up for me. I can feel it. I’m optimistic and shit. ^_^
I have an interview at Cosi tomorrow at 10.
And then at 2, I have an interview at Dean & DeLuca.
One of these things has to pan out….right?
I’m so fucking nervous, I suck at interviews my anxiety takes over and my personality never gets a chance to shine through but fuck it let me try and be positive and see where this takes me.
I had a dream that I fucked some cute ass white girl at Ithaca. (Not an actual girl that I know, just some random girl).
She was cute as fuck though. Shit got reaaaal steamy. I need that dream to be a reality.
I went to the Health Center the other day, they prescribed me xanax and celexa. The xanax is great. I’d rather not take the celexa since it apparently really hinders your libido and/or your ability to have an orgasm….
I’m too young to for sexual dysfunction. But really my depression and anxiety are getting really fucking bad. I don’t even think I can finish this semester, which is terrifying because my family would equate me taking a semester off with me dropping out of school. That’s not what I want, at all. But I don’t want to stay here and fuck up, have that reflect on my GPA and have it actually ruin shit for me later. I spoke to the dean of my school and my advisor and they both assured me that taking a semester off would not be the end of my life. My dean was actually really encouraging, he apparently thinks really highly of me because I still managed get awesome grades despite what happened with my mom last semester. But here’s the thing, when I came back to school last semester I was still in shock. Now…..it’s hard for me to adjust.
Other aspects of my life suck. My anxiety is like at an all time high.
When I was coming back up to school on Monday night Shortline managed to lose my suitcase with pretty much my entire suitcase…..easily $600 worth of clothes. Probably more. And everyone keeps telling me to relax but yo…I don’t own that much in the way of clothing. That was like all I had, clothes I’ve had for years, just fucking gone.
It’s stressful as fuck. My life is just overwhelming and I’m not sure I can handle it right now. Maybe I should take the pills and wait it out at school….maybe I should just take a semester off. I don’t know.
This shit sucks.
Actually two people got tatted today. Judy and I went to NYC Kulture and got tatted up by Larz from Mars.
She got the quote, “Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future.” by Oliver WIlde on her sides.
I got a compass rose with some personal touches, a shark representing my Pisces sign, and an anchor with my mom’s date. It came out so much doper than I expected. And it was cheaper than I thought.
Pictures will come.
Oh by the way. Check out these grades I got for my first semester at college. 3.8 GPA anyone? #yeahbuddy
Listen, no one ever put MY report card on the refrigerator so I’m getting that attention some way. YEAH!
brooklyn tech is probably the epitome of what you just explained about city kids and high school. even if we hate the school, it’s still brings such an amazing experience and we learn more than we realize in the end of it all.
Definitely, that’s one of the things I missed the most when I left, I still miss it to this day. It brought a lot of amazing people together and it added an entirely different learning experience to the mix. Although I have to say I spent a lot of time cutting class while I was in Tech, I learned a lot of things just from sitting in the lunchroom or staying on the corner for hours after school just talking shit and hanging out. You tend to forget that not everywhere is like that and it kind of sucks.