I don’t know much
But have learned enough to know
That when the sun set doesn’t seem
To heavy on weary shoulders
And when the sun rise sets the passion inside
Ablaze like chariots of fire
Then it’s not all so bad
The world is not so wicked
When you’ve got more breath in your ribcage
Than wind in the hurricane on the horizon
It will all be okay.
Repeat it like a hymn
Repeat it like the truth you know you could find
If pulling back layers of skin tissue and scar tissue
Didn’t hurt so fucking much.
To this day when I meet other people at school and they think I’m white I get really indignant about it.
I can’t bring myself to identify as white. That’s not to say that I haven’t benefited from white privilege at some point or another but like still I think some of that is offset by me being outwardly lesbian.
IDK MAN IDK
Like is that bad? Am an I asshole for that? Because other darker-skinned Latinos don’t have that privilege? maaaaan. I really get into my own thoughts going back and forth between this in my head.
I just can’t be white.
I have rhythm. I have flavor. I come from two beautiful tropical islands where there’s a beautiful and rich culture. And there’s color! And greatness and beauty.
I briefly spoke about how I will be moving out with three roommates next year. Our first and last months rent is due on July 1st. We will be moving in by August 1st.
Being that we got the lease yesterday I decided to speak to my grandmother to see if our arrangement was still on. (Our arrangement was that she would give me the child support she receives for me so I could pay rent, and all other expenses would be up to me).
Now my grandmother has known that this was coming up, I’ve given her ample notice during every step in this process. But my grandmother just bought a car last week. So now that I’m asking her about this money she’s getting stressed out, she feels like she is under pressure, like she’s caged in. We end up having a huge argument about all of this, I have to get my aunt to come in and mediate.
Now I just have to let my grandmother cool down, handle my end, and trust that she will be there to do her part when the time comes. That’s okay, as delusional as my grandmother can be, I know she wouldn’t fail me on such a huge scale. Because honestly, if I can’t get that money I will have no place to live next semester. She wouldn’t let that happen. I know that in my heart. It’s scary of course and I’d rather have the reassurance now but things never really work that way with my family.
The one common thread that has come out of all these bullshit arguments and conversations, is that no one in my family believes I can do this. Not my grandmother, not my father, not my aunt. Sure they haven’t come right out and said it explicitly, well my grandmother has being the excellent communicator she is, but I can hear it in their tone.
“It’s going to be really hard to live on your own.” “Are you sure this is what you want?” “You’re making things more complicated than they need to be.”
That is the most discouraging thing. My own family doesn’t think I’m capable of living on my own successfully. I don’t think this will be easy, I don’t think it will be a cake walk, I’m prepared to face the challenges that come with living on your own in college. I WANT to face those challenges. I want to grow the fuck up already. My grandmother babied me, and tried to shelter me for so long. I’m twenty years old, I’m in college, this is where I learn to fall or fly. I need this experience now to prepare me for when I graduate and I’m out in the real fucking world. No one seems to understand that. Which I guess is fine since I’m the first person to go to college in my immediate family so…
I just wish I had the support and backing from my family. That would be nice. But it seems the only time you can have my family’s support if you’ve fucked your life half to hell with drug addiction….
That was out of anger and bitterness. Of course I’m angry and bitter. It’s like my grandmother would rather die than see me be independent.
I can only wonder how my mother would feel if she were still here. I think she’d believe in me, I think she’d have my back. My mom always had my back, she always tried to bring me up when everything else was tearing me down. I miss her so fucking much. I wish I could call her now, that would help.
If only, if only.
You talk a lot of shit about how you can’t find someone to be romantic with that truly cares about you. Except that’s not true, that’s not true at all and you know it. You have found someone that really cares about you but you don’t want it. You don’t want it because then you’ll have no excuse for your shenanigans, because then you’ll have to be responsible for their feelings as well, and most importantly, you don’t want it because if that person were to leave they’d take their happiness with them… leaving you with an unbearable gaping hole in your heart.
Alone is safe, alone is secure. No one can take away your solitude without your consent. However, when you let someone in you have no say in if or when they’ll leave. That scares the shit out of you because you can’t control it— you’re not willing to risk it that. Because of this, you rather be alone until you’re no longer afraid of being left alone.
You’ll of course make excuses to those that ask you why you keep letting good things walk away. “It’s not the right time, I’m not ready for a commitment, I’m doing my own thing.” Except that’s not entire true… you wish you weren’t lonely; you want someone in your life — to take care of you when you’re sick, to cuddle with, to eat dinners with, to take note of and appreciate the things you pride yourself in accomplishing.
But in your effort to keep one foot out the door, you won’t solidify that relationship with a title because titles entitle responsibility… and you don’t want someone to be responsible for your happiness, nor do you want to be responsible for their’s.
You want to be left alone, because no one can take your solitude without your consent.
The tabled have turned dramatically. I never thought I’d be in this position. But I never, ever thought you’d be in the your position, doing the things you’re doing.
What’s so wrong with me?
Inspired. I gotta fucking write. Release all the tension that’s brewing inside of me.
For once I’d like to feel like my emotions aren’t crazy. Like it’s okay for me to feel the way I do. Like I’m not wrong for feeling the way I feel.
I’ve got to do something I’ve realized for a while now, keep my emotions to myself.
I love you. It’s funny how in all the time that we’ve been dating/going out I’ve never written a post about you. A post where the topic is just you. I’ve referenced you, but never took the time out to talk about you. So I’m doing it now. You know in the beginning I didn’t expect this to become what it is right now. I wasn’t looking for that, I really didn’t even want it. I thought this would just be a little fling. And yet look at what it is now. We’re in a relationship. In a relationship that I hope lasts for a long time. In a relatively short amount of time I have become completely and totally entranced by you. And I’m so happy I did. You’re good to me. You’re good for me. You make me want to be better. You push me when I don’t want to go any further. You console me when I feel like my world is crashing down. You’re always willing to sacrifice for me. I feel so safe when I’m with you whether where in my bed, in yours, or in the street. I become so oblivious to the outside world because all I care to focus on is you. And I know sometimes you think I don’t pay attention to you but honestly I do. I pay so much attention. I recount every curve of your smile in my dreams. It’s that serious. You put up with me, and I don’t know how. I don’t know how it is that you haven’t already run away screaming for help. Thank you for being so patient with me because I know a lot of the time I’m working your last nerve. And I know we argue, and we get mad and frustrated but you always show how much you care, even when we argue. I know I have a lot of flaws, some that get in the way of this relationship. But I think we’ve got something really strong here, and I don’t want anything to impede the growth of this. I want to see you grow, I want to see us grow. I want to be your everything; your anchor, your protector, the one you go to. I want to make you better, the same way you make me better. And I know that’s a tall order to fill but I’m up for the challenge. I just want to make you happy, and I know I tell you that so much you must be sick of it but it’s true. All the sadness in your eyes I want to replace with pure, unadulterated joy. I want to see you get into a great school because I know you can. I want to see you go somewhere with your photography because it is literally amazing. I want to see you go somewhere with your music because your voice is beautiful. I want to see you make something of yourself because I know whatever you put yourself to do, you will excel in it. Your drive, your motivation, your determination, and your talent inspires me. And I hope one day I can inspire you too. You are such a good person, and everyday I feel blessed that out of everyone you picked me. Judith Lucia Alcantara I love you, a lot. One day I’m going to fall in love with you and it’s going to be intense and wonderful. I know sometimes this shit gets really hard, especially with the distance but you are worth it all. Don’t ever forget that no matter what you have someone that loves you and cares about you so much. I will always be here for you.